Monday, June 11, 2012

So I Ponder

I don't make the rounds of Facebook as much as I used to. I grew weary of a few people among my friends who use the site to rail on and on about the Obama administration and its failings with their associated links to Fox News and other similar sites bent on seeding the land with their propaganda. They offer no solutions, only criticism and the base of ignorance they display (at least to me) is nothing short of frustrating. As we move closer to the fall elections, it's only going to become uglier. I went through my friends list a few nights ago and hid the most blatant offenders from my feed so I no longer have to read their rantings. It was freeing.

That's not to say that I've hidden all those I disagree with; only the ones who are out to obnoxiously provoke others with no intention of opening their own ears and eyes with a desire to hear what the other side is saying.

I continue to get the majority of my exercise through my walks. I find it so enjoyable out there listening to my music and letting my mind wander. I was out the door by 7:00 Saturday morning in the lightest shorts and shirt I could find. The temperature was already in the low 70s, forecast to reach near 90F by afternoon. A half-hour into my walk I stood on the corner of Highway 50 and 175th street waiting for the light to change when a cyclist pulled alongside me. I recognized him from the few times our paths had previously crossed. A twinge of envy quickly settled in. I was enjoying my walk but I really longed for my bike and the higher heart-rate it requires and if I pushed it hard enough, the burn in my quads.

I saw several other cyclists along the way and wondered each time, had I been them, where I might have been headed given the winds and the time of day? Those thoughts were nice distractions as I clipped along at a pace of 4 mph.

I noticed something dangling from a tree along Ipava a few miles from home. The Emerald Ash Borer is descending on the city and there's a good chance that nearly all of the ash trees will succumb to it. Sad because they make up a large percentage of our trees. We've got three ash trees in our yard and I don't want to lose them but if they do go, I'm prepared to replace them with something of the evergreen variety; something that requires much less cleanup in the fall.

I did my south loop to McDonald's and back (without stopping there); exactly 9 miles. It was such a nice beginning to my day.

Since the meeting with my hematologist last week, I find that I'm doing a noticeable amount of sighing. I'm trying not to dwell on how that meeting went but I often find myself working through what-if scenarios and playing them out. What if I'd been having mini pulmonary embolisms for months or years prior to being hospitalized? What if that requires me to remain on coumadin for life? What if the spot on my liver is cancerous? How far along is it? There's a lot of importance for me in the answers to those few questions and there's a certain amount of associated stress. It's comparable to the feeling I had when I was going through my divorce from Noy in 1997 where I didn't really have a sense of control over my life. There was a lot of waiting which left me plenty of time to ponder outcomes.

So I ponder and I sigh but then I count my blessings and tell myself, chin's a beautiful day for a walk out there!


Anonymous said...

What if God is trying to speak to you through all this?.....What if God wants all your "ifs" so He can show you how to depend on longer "feeling" out of control?....What if He Loves you so much, He is wanting to take All your worrys and give you in return His peace?...:)

Anonymous said...

What if God is pursueing you all along to Love Him More than biking or any worldly thing so He can show you True Freedom in Him?