Sunday, January 18, 2015

And So I Endure

I'm at my wits-end with these headaches having been so beaten down by them. Each night is one of frustration and maddening pain as I'm drawn away from my sleep every 90 minutes by stabbing pain behind my left eye that has me stumbling my way over to the oxygen tank to turn on the flow to the regulator as I press the mask to my face and take long steady breaths.

It typically takes 15 to 20 minutes for relief to come. I'll hold the pose for several minutes after the pain is gone before entering the headache data in my pain journal on my phone and crawling back into bed to try and resume the sleep I so desperately need.

This interrupted sleep pattern I find myself in has left me perpetually tired and feeling not at all my normal, mostly pleasant self. I was on the edge of my bed 5 times last night, rocking and moaning in pain: at 12:48, 2:25, 4:00, 5:29 and 7:01. Just fucking ridiculous!

No doubt I can hear people saying after reading this "just retire already!" Yeah, I get that and trust me, the thought has been on my mind a lot. The reason I don't is twofold. First: I'm stubborn. Second: I'm not letting my headaches decide when I retire. It's not happening! They've already taken so much from me and I'm not about to give them that power as well. The last thing I want to have happen is to walk away from the job sooner than I want only to find that the headaches suddenly stop within a few days of making such an important decision and with no going back.

And so I endure.

I'm still on too high a dose of prednisone and I desperately want to and need to reduce the amount I'm taking to something that's less damaging to my body. I've developed a bad case of shin-splints from a single workout on the elliptical one week ago today. I had to cut my workout short after 45 minutes because of a pain in my lower left leg. I was concerned I was experiencing a blood-clot because of how sedentary I've been lately but the pain was in the front of my shin, not a place where a blood-clot would typically occur. I went out riding Wednesday afternoon and almost packed it in after 10 minutes because of the pain. I can only assume it has something to do with the amount of prednisone I'm on which is currently at 50mg a day. That's fine for a burst of a few days but I've been on this amount for over 3 weeks and prior to that I've been averaging around 35mg a day since September. That's simply too much and now my body is suffering from it rather than benefiting.

I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. This is the sort of scenario I've dreaded and I'm living it. I keep wishing for the weeks to pass so I can be removed from this period of my life but I'm still here. I'm still smack-dab in the middle of this with no end in sight.

How much more I can endure I do not know.

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