Being Honest With Myself About What I Believe
I'm 63 years young, or as the boy in me might say, I'm 63 and a half! I've posed this question here before but it's been a while: Do you ever wonder where your parents were in their lives at the age you are today? It can be an interesting question to ponder. This online calendar makes quick work of figuring out the dates for you. My dad would've been the age I am today on March 25th, 1989. I always seem to ponder this question with respect to my father rather than my mother. With the calculated date in hand, I'll then go through my online collection of family photos and try and find one of my father that's closest in age to the age I am and then proceed to reminisce about that time in my father's life captured in the photo. As I was pondering this question last night, I found a video rather than a photo of my father that most closely aligned with the date the calculator had arrived at: this video, where my dad would've been 3 months younger than I am today. (The video begins with footage of me interacting with our cockatiels, Coocoo and Coconut. There's quite a story I tell about Coocoo. You can find it here.)
I've been contemplating my life more than usual lately as I watch the years pass by at an ever-quickening pace. Sure, living amidst a pandemic can cause us to pause and consider worst-case scenarios but I don't really stress about that (a little, sure). I'm more focused on the active years I have remaining to engage in activities that bring me happiness. I see them slipping away faster than I ever thought they could. It saddens me a little. I'm fortunate, tho, to have been able to retire when I did and make the most of the remaining years given to me.
I used to be so sure about my life after this life but that sureness has vanished (thanks, evangelicals). I would imagine spending eternity in heaven but my thoughts didn't go much beyond that. What would heaven even look like? Would I have to sit around all day and night singing praise songs to God? Honestly, the idea of that does nothing for me, and besides, I can't sing. Would I have to try out to make the choir the way they made people at our former church, Hosanna, try out to see if they were good enough to sing for the Lord? Will there be temptation in heaven? Christians are taught that Satan used to be an angel who rebelled against God, so apparently the answer is yes, there will be temptations beyond this life.
I had a vivid dream one night years ago that I was in heaven and I was tasked with making stained glass windows. The glass I was using was alive and unlike anything I'd ever seen. I thought that maybe I was being given a glimpse into what awaits me. It excited me. I'm not so sure anymore.
If I was to have to say today what I believe lies beyond this life, I'd tell you reincarnation awaits us. That's what seems to make the most sense to me anymore. We're all living our lives and learning as we go, accumulating life experiences from the various lives we've lived on earth, or maybe even elsewhere. I believe in a higher power and I also believe in guardian angels. I think I saw one of mine once. I was on a ride on a stretch of highway with no intersecting roads. I looked over my right shoulder to see a guy with dark curly hair sitting in my draft. I kept the pressure to the cranks and dialed it up a notch to see if he could stay with me. It's what we cyclists do. I looked back two minutes later and he was nowhere to be seen. Gone. Vanished. In the middle of nowhere. I know, it sounds kinda nuts...a guardian angel on a bike.
I've also seen God's presence in my life numerous times when I've faced difficulties—most notably here, here, and here. There was simply so much that could have gone so wrong in either of those events to not conclude that there was divine intervention on my behalf. But why me? I feel so unworthy. I also feel it was God's hand that brought Tammy, Rachel, and me together. If you read the story in the link about Coocoo that I posted earlier in this writing, you'll see where I acknowledge God at work in what happened there as well. I'll oftentimes look for God's hand of guidance in my life. It's something I've done since I was probably in my early 20s.
My faith life was so much easier when it fit into the tidy little box of Christianity where I'd kept it my entire life until relatively recently. But I have to be honest with myself about what I believe. It has to make sense to me, even after factoring in the essence of faith. And this is where I find myself, at least for now, somewhat adrift and not moored to any specific religion. Some would say I'm lost. I disagree. I'm searching.
It's probably ridiculous for me to even try and imagine what lies beyond this life because whatever it is I'm quite sure it's going to be something I/we never could've imagined. One thing I'm quite sure of, tho, we're all going to be amazed.
That's all I've got.
Comments