Perhaps God is Laughing at Me Now

This is part 3 of 3 about my most recent blood clotting ordeal. Find part 1 here and part 2 here.

I wanted to say a little about the staff on the vascular floor (3rd floor) of Southdale Fairview. They are such a caring group of people. Everyone I came in contact with there was always so pleasant and I made a point of learning their names and showing the same warmth back to them that they were giving me. They are such good people! Also, the staff in Interventional Radiology: I actually looked forward to being wheeled down there each time (3 total) to have a procedure done. They were the ones who restored the blood flow to my leg and I have them to thank for their efforts in saving my leg for me. But they were also a pretty cool group of people and I enjoyed our conversations.

Also, I've never had more people praying for me than I have this past week and I very much appreciate that. Trust me when I say that for all of you who have offered up your prayers and well-wishes or stopped by or offered to stop by to see me, from the bottom of my heart I appreciate all you've done for me.

Dr. Foley came by my room before 8:30 Wednesday morning to talk with us about where we go from here. He said he'd had a change of heart about going forward with surgery after speaking with Dr. Johnstone and comparing notes. He talked about patency and with respect to the surgery, how there's a "bit of a dance you do when deciding when is the best time." He said that ideally, it's best to put the surgery off until there's an expectation that I'll die of other natural causes before any complications from the surgery present themselves years down the road.

Dr. Johnstone seemed to think we could afford to wait but for how long I'm not exactly sure. Yes, I do have some clots that could break free into my bloodstream at any time and that's a concern but what's also a concern is how many years I can expect to get out of the surgery.

Also, what I haven't mentioned in all of this is that the aneurysms and the blood clots of my common iliac arteries are two separate things. The aneurysms I have aren't near the point where they're ready to burst so they don't present an immediate problem. They will be monitored, I assume, with routine CT-scans but eventually they will have to be treated surgically. Hopefully, there won't be any additional blood clots developing within me now that I'm on a blood thinner. I should also add that a blood thinner doesn't actually thin the blood, it just helps to prevent additional clots from forming but will do nothing to erode away a clot that already exists.

So, my main concern now is for the clots in my iliac arteries that could potentially break free and cause me problems. My doctors say they appear to be smooth and stable and not at all impeding blood flow around them. I'm fine as long as they stay put. There's definitely a risk associated with waiting (there's also a risk when I ride my bike on highway 169 during rush-hour traffic catching drafts off semis as they pass by a few feet off to my left with my body feeling more alive than ever). I don't anticipate I'll change my lifestyle all that much or invest too much time in thinking about the what-ifs. I've done enough of that already this past week.

As we were finishing our meeting with Dr. Foley he asked who my primary care physician is. I told him that I didn't have one, that the doctor I'd been using for the last 20 years had recently retired. He asked if I'd be interested in having him become my primary care physician. He said he'd like to continue to monitor me closely and that if I have any issues whatsoever he'd make room for me in his schedule no matter what. I jumped at his offer.

There's another question that's been on my mind lately. Am I retired? I don't know at this point but it's a question I've been asking myself again and again as if it's on a loop in my brain. I had a conversation over the phone from my hospital bed with a retired controller (John Manring) and I told him that I was pretty sure I was done. I hung up shortly after I said that and my eyes welled up with tears. Did I really mean what I'd just said? Was this the way I was going out because this wasn't at all how I ever envisioned my career ending. A part of me pushed back and said 'no...you're not making this decision in this state of weakness from a hospital bed!'

I remember my last night of work last Saturday as I got out of the sector for the final time that night. On my way out of the control room, I stopped to chat with Steve who was plugged into sector 36. We touched on plans for retirement as is often a topic of conversation with many of us. I told him my tentative plans but qualified them by saying, "Wanna know how to make God laugh? Tell him your plans."

Perhaps God is laughing at me now. I'm okay with that.